Global Weirding

It’s up to 28 degrees. When my iPhone informs me it is above freezing – the forecast is 11 a.m. – I’ll stop the faucet dripping. I’ll be grateful for the water bill because it got as low as 9, I think, and the pipes held out.

That’s the good news. The bad news is having to listen to the morons who always come out and not just on Fox News.

Doesn’t look like global warming to me. Next they’ll be warning us about global cooling. Ooohhh.

I know the country has grown immune to the opinions of experts and that the new national motto is almost the opposite of “In God We Trust.” Informally, of course, it’s become “I Just Don’t Believe It.” Apparently those professing faith in God have faith in little else, most notably informed knowledge.

Jesus never said, “Thou shalt be stupid.”

Global warming – and, yes, we’re probably off to set another record this year – isn’t based on “what it feels like in my backyard.” While the continental United States has been freezing in an aberration – the North Pole went on vacation for a while – the rest of the globe has been unseasonably hot, well, no, the seasons are already hot.

Here it’s unseasonably cold.

For a week, you’ve heard about a Polar Vortex. Relax. It’s over. From here on out, get used to another term.

El Nino.

So you can’t bear to use those words – “global warming” or “climate change” – huh? Okay. Let’s compromise.

Can’t we all agree on “global weirding”?