A Bit More Olympian About Football

The Winter Olympics are about to begin. I don’t know why it’s a plural since no one ever mentions any individual Olympic. Olympics is one of those words where you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Grammatically.

I’m embarrassingly uninformed. The only person I know who seems to be in the Olympics is Vladimir Putin, and the only person I know who isn’t is Lindsey Vonn. I’m almost positive the United States has a hockey team, and the Soviets have about a dozen because there aren’t any Soviets anymore.

Not one team will have uniforms with CCCP across them. Apparently this changed about 20 years ago.

It appears to me the chief function of the Sochi Olympics is to bridge the gap between the Super Bowl and the Daytona 500.

I might get interested once it starts, but I go in with nothing.

One reason I don’t like fantasy leagues is they muddy my water. I want to root for a team of my choice, not the team I drafted. If the Red Sox and Yankees are tied in the ninth inning, and Mark Teixeira is batting, I want to chortle when he grounds into a double play, not commiserate the fact that he’s on my rotisserie squad. Of course, if I had a rotisserie squad, I’d never draft a Yankee, but the Yankees would buy up any really good player I had and he’d eventually become a Yankee.

It’s much easier just to hate all Yankees from the get-go.

The game itself is enough for me. Take today, for instance. I don’t have a great rooting interest in either game. I just want the games to be great. I’m mildly hoping the Broncos defeat the Patriots, but that’s just for the benefit of all those morons who think the only measure of a quarterback is Super Bowl victories.

San Francisco-Seattle? I probably won’t know which team I hope wins until the game starts and I find my loyalty forming.

I can enjoy these games because they don’t evoke the tension that comes with fierce partisanship. May the best teams win, and may they be heroic. May the losers be only slightly less heroic. May there be drama and justice, and here’s hoping no one is seriously hurt.

If money is riding on a game, a man will hope his own brother screws up, and I don’t want such a treacherous element involved.

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